Miscarriage, Why does nobody talk about it when up to 50% of pregnancies end in it? Seeing them two lines on a pregnancy test is one of the most exciting days of a woman’s life. But hold on, we have to keep it a secret until we are 3 months pregnant, or do we? When we are 3 months pregnant we are considered out of the danger zone and we can safely tell all our family and friends. What if our pregnancies don’t make it to 3 months? Do we just have to suffer in silence? Nobody knows we were pregnant so we can’t really talk to anyone about it.
Let me share a little of my experience with you. My first pregnancy i was delighted, i was at a stage in my life where i really craved motherhood. I woke up excited every morning as i had a wee miracle growing inside me. Everyday i would check my pregnancy app to see what size my baby was and how it was developing. Miscarriage didn’t even enter my head as i never heard anyone ever talk about it. I knew absolutely nothing about it.
Anyhow i was nearly ready for my first 3 month scan when one night i noticed a tiny little speck of blood in my underwear. I wasn’t worried at all but i told my partner and he suggested phoning the doctor. The doctor said not to worry as it’s probably nothing but it’s best just to go have it checked. So we went to the out of hours that night and the doctor booked me in for a scan the following day. I didn’t feel sick and i wasn’t in any pain so I thought everything was ok and so did the doc. Next day at my scan they seen a sack in my womb but didn’t see any life in it, but after a few minutes of looking around they seen my baby. It was a lively we one, arms and legs kicking away. I was thrilled i couldn’t believe this was mine and he or she was happily growing inside my tummy. I looked at the doctors and they were looking confused, they said they needed to give me an internal scan because this baby was not in the womb and they didn’t know where it was growing. Now i started to worry. When they did the internal scan they realised that my baby was growing in my fallopian tube. I was having an ectopic pregnancy. At the time i was unaware of what this was and didn’t know how fatal it could be, but i knew it wasn’t good. The doc told me i was going to have to stay in hospital and go to theatre later that day to have it removed. I cried then i went numb. They walked me over to my own private room then all of a sudden i went to my knees in pain. ‘Fuck call the doctor quick, i can’t breath with this pain’ i said to the nurses. ‘It’s ok said the nurse you are probably just in shock’. ‘I ain’t in shock am in pain’ and i lay down in the bed. The nurse finally pressed the emergency button. Next minute there was about ten doctors and nurse in the room taking my clothes off and hooking me up to all different machines. I didn’t have a clue what was going on, but i never felt pain like it in my life it was excruciating. My mum and dad appeared out of nowhere they must of got to the hospital in under ten minutes. Seeing their faces was the scariest moment of all because by the time they got there i must have looked green, i was dying. They looked so helpless and distraught and it broke my heart. Right then at that moment i said to myself i ain’t going anywhere. My fallopian tube had busted and i was drowning in my own blood. I needed emergency surgery. They rushed me down to theatre and it was mayhem there was so many people everywhere. I was never as happy to see the anesthetic going in my arm as the pain was unbearable.
When i woke up i couldn’t move, i felt like had been in a horrific car crash. I was hooked up to all these different machines and there was needles and tubes coming out of everywhere. ‘At least am alive’ i thought to myself. The doctor came and spoke to me and told me that i had lost my baby and my left fallopian tube and that i nearly lost my own life to. He said that i needed bags and bags of blood transfusion and that i was very lucky to be alive. I did feel grateful but at the same time i was numb and it didn’t really seem real. It was like i was in a nightmare. I stayed in intensive care for 2 days then they moved me to a ward for recovery. I was in hospital for a week. They didn’t want me to home until i had a bowel movement. I was so pissed of in hospital so i decided to sit on the toilet until it happened and my god did it hurt. My tummy was in bits.
The doctors decided not to give me a D&C because my body had too much trauma, they said whatever else is in there will come away naturally. The very minute i got home i started having these horrible contraction pains they kept coming and going. Every time i felt them i ran straight to the toilet and had to let go of everything that wanted to come away. It was like a murder scene. Horrific. This went on for a few hours and when it stopped it felt totally and utterly exhausted. I was bedridden for another couple of weeks. I was emotionally drained so i just tried to put it to the back of my mind and get on with my life. I had a smile back on my face and told everybody i was fine but inside i was screaming. I needed to talk about it, i needed to come to terms with what happened me. Everyone say’s it’s good to talk. Well let me tell you it is. I started opening up to a few people telling them my story and it really helped me mentally and emotionally. It kind of put me at ease and i noticed other people starting to open up and tell me their stories to. Keeping things to yourself is never a good idea. We need to share our experiences in order for ourselves and others to understand to learn and to grow.
I was unaware of how dangerous pregnancy can be. I don’t care how far on in your pregnancy you are, if you are pregnant tell people, get excited, let them get excited for you. If you have a miscarriage tell people don’t suffer in silence, please talk about it. Let people have sympathy for you. Keeping this stuff to yourself is no good for anyone. Miscarriage happens to a lot of woman and we need to speak up about it. Young woman need to know how common miscarriage is and that pregnancy does go wrong sometimes.
A few years later i got up the courage to try to get pregnant again. Because i now only had one fallopian tube i thought it would be much harder, but first time i tried i got pregnant. I was over the moon but i was slightly anxious. I had done a lot of research on ectopic pregnancy and found out that if you have one, you are at high risk of having another. Anyhow a few days into my pregnancy i had noticed a tiny bit of blood. This time i was worried because i knew what could be. I phoned the doctor and she said it was to early to scan and that i was just going have to wait it out. She did say if the bleeding gets heavy to go to A&E. A few days later the bleeding got a bit heavier so i went. They seen to me straight away, which was great but the doctor who was examining me was young and very good looking, which was not so great. One of my pregnancy symptoms was constipation and i couldn’t go to the toilet that day. So when this doctor was giving me an internal he said something like ‘maybe you should go out and try to go to the toilet then come back in and see me’. So embarrassing. So i went then when back in, and he still couldn’t see anything. He suggest taking my blood levels then taking them again a few days later to see if they rise like a normal pregnancy. So i went home and just had to wait it out. A few days later i phoned to find out my results and the nurse said that my blood level had risen a just a little and that this was a sure sign of an ectopic. She couldn’t tell me for sure though so i had to come back a week later for another scan. I got off the phone and burst out crying ‘It’s happening again’ i said to my partner. I was terrified. All i could think about was my one fallopian tube bursting again then i could never have children. It was the longest week of my life, i didn’t go anywhere i was to scared. I was bleeding everyday, but later on that week i started get severe period like cramps and started to bleed even heavier, i knew i was losing the pregnancy. In a way i was relieved because at least my tube wasn’t going to burst and i could try again, but i also felt very empty inside. At the scan i told my doctor i know it’s gone but he still had to scan me anyway. He said that i had a total miscarriage. This is when your womb get’s rid of everything by itself. So here i am writing this with still no baby, but i am still hopeful for the future. I can’t wait to see them two line’s again on a pregnancy test, third time lucky let’s hope.
Ladies, If you are reading thi, I would love to hear your own experience.